Creating connection through mistakes

We usually think of a perfect relationship as one in which we don’t hurt each other. But in any close relationship, like a marriage, there will be times when we get hurt, and times when we hurt others. Often when that happens, one or both partners get very upset and kick into some form of survival mode, making the wedge that fell between them feel even worse. Common behaviors are blaming, defensiveness, ignoring, sarcasm, retreating into silence, keeping busy and distracted—anything to avoid the raw wound that has been opened by the initial hurtful words or action. After a few hours or days, the freeze can thaw out and life returns to relative normal; sometimes it doesn’t and, sadly, the chasm grows. Either way, the couple has missed out on an amazing opportunity for connection.

We don’t have to panic when we’ve been hurt. It’s an entirely universal human experience. With practice, we can learn to share our feelings in an honest, authentic way that doesn’t attack the other. When done vulnerably (this takes courage), the likelihood of our partner responding in a loving and healing way are very high. Likewise, when we make a mistake and are brave enough to apologize for our part wholeheartedly, without mitigating it with blame, chances are good that our ‘I’m sorry’ will be received well. The best part? When we repair hurt in this way, what we get after is a stronger, more intimate, more resilient bond. A whole rung higher on the ladder of connection.